Wednesday, June 30, 2004

Everything I Do, I Do It For You

Look into my eyes - you will see
What you mean to me
Search your heart - search your soul
And when you find me there you'll search no more

Don't tell me it's not worth tryin' for
You can't tell me it's not worth dyin' for
You know it's true
Everything I do - I do it for you

Look into my heart - you will find
There's nothin' there to hide
Take me as I am - take my life
I would give it all - I would sacrifice

Don't tell me it's not worth fightin' for
I can't help it - there's nothin' I want more
Ya know it's true
Everything I do - I do it for you

There's no love - like your love
And no other - could give more love
There's nowhere - unless you're there
All the time - all the way

Oh - you can't tell me it's not worth tryin' for
I can't help it - there's nothin' I want more
I would fight for you - I'd lie for you
Walk the wire for you - ya I'd die for you

Ya know it's true
Everything I do - I do it for you

You make me a complete person... you are my other half, both in my heart and in my mind. The happiness that fills me exceeds the maximum allowed limit.

Thursday, June 24, 2004

Status

With the added responsibilities of my position comes the added pressure to please everyone. I think this has perpetually been my problem as a human being; I like pleasing people. I don't like animosity and I don't like unhappiness. Mostly I don't like working or living in an uncomfortable atmosphere.

This week it was publicly announced that I would be receiving a promotion that, if approved by the powers that be, would change my status. I don't view status as a big issue but for others it's the crux of their complaint of how they are treated at work. And being that I am going from what other's view as a lowly classified staff position to a professional staff position, I felt a little coolness toward me in the time after the announcement. So today in a gesture of goodwill, I accepted a lunch invitation with my co-workers who may feel that way. Though I've only occasionally gone out to lunch with them, I felt this was a good way to gauge the feelings of the group.

I think after they had a chance to think over everything they seemed a bit more accepting. Though I realize that people will not always voice their displeasure openly, it is easier to deal with when it is out. So I can accept the fact that some people may not be entirely happy but then again probably nothing would make them happy. All I can do is my job and be the person I have always been, status or no status.

Tuesday, June 22, 2004

Accidentally in Love

Come on, Come on
Move a little closer
Come on, Come on
I want to hear you whisper
Come on, Come on
Settle down inside my love

Yes, I'm a smitten kitten.

Monday, June 21, 2004

The Red Badge of Courage

Is it wrong to wear your heart on your sleeve? Maybe some things are better kept to myself. I'm not sure. I feel that I lay out so much on here and, in doing so, make myself very vulnerable. I guess one can't change the past and it's only natural that I feel this way. If only we could truly have a red badge (heart) of courage, metaphorically speaking, of course.

A Silly Grin

I drove to work this morning with a silly grin on my face. You put it there. You are such a kind, gentle, caring soul. The amount of emotion I feel right now would overflow even the deepest ocean. Aishite imasu.

Sunday, June 20, 2004

How Much

I hope you know how much I miss you. How much I wish I could pick up the phone and call you. How much I wish I could see you on IM, even though you are bald, yellow, smiley face. How much I feel so content and happy right now. The missing part doesn't ache as much anymore because something else has taken its place, love. It was always there but unsure of itself. Not anymore.

Father's Day

In our house, celebrating holidays and birthdays wasn't such a big deal. Usually the intended would receive a couple of cards and gifts, and have their favorite meal cooked that night. My dad was one of those people who always told my brother and I not to buy him any gifts because he had what he needed or wanted. I always wondered if that was true. In any case, through the years, he received his share of "Father's Day" gifts such as shirts, coffee cups, fishing supplies, etc. The last time I went home, I saw one of the coffee cups we had given him-- a white cup with the word "dad" written with flowers. I remembered he used that cup all the time in the morning and to see it on the shelf unused was a reminder that he wasn't around anymore.

My dad and I didn't have the type of relationship that I think I would have liked growing up. He was the typical Japanese father who ruled the household and believed that everyone had their place--sons carried on the family name while daughters were just there. When I turned 25 I decided to leave the comforts of Hawaii and move to the mainland, something I had dreamed about for a long time. My dad did not support me mostly because I was female and females weren't supposed to do those things. I didn't care mostly because my dad and I never saw eye-to-eye anyways.

But the move turned out to be the best thing for both of us. I learned that my dad was the way he was because of his background and the way he was brought up; that's something you can't really fault someone nor change but you have to accept. When I accepted my dad for who he was, our relationship changed significantly. I learned more about him than I ever did when we lived in the same house. On the other hand, my dad found out his daughter wasn't just an underfoot; she could be independent and live on her own.

The best conversation I had with my dad happened a few years before he passed away. On a trip here with his eldest brother, my dad and I walked up and down Fremont Street spending time together. It was the first time he had ever mentioned my brother and I being adopted. I never knew how he felt about the whole thing but in that one moment I discovered that my dad probably never thought of us in that manner; we were his children. He told me that if either my brother or I ever wanted to find our biological parents, he and my mom would help us. To see my dad be so unselfish made me realize that he was always the dad I wanted him to be. I just never knew it until that very moment. Happy Father's Day.

Saturday, June 19, 2004

Wish Lists in Life

Yesterday I had an interesting conversation with a co-worker who lamented that she is becoming too "married." While this isn't the word she used specifically, she described her life as being comfortable in being married, owning a home and having jobs. She said her husband is content to live that life while she doesn't mind living that life but strives to be different. I suppose part of her restlessness comes from the fact that she considers herself a staunch feminist and I think the fear of getting married, taking her husband's name and becoming the middle America dream would clash with those views. I guess sometimes we forget that we were individuals long before anything else came into our lives. I'm surprised that she, of all people that I know, would forget that. We've been talking a lot lately about our restlessness in our jobs and I think she was a little envious of the fact that I said I could just get up and leave anytime I wanted to. What I told her is that we should make our wish lists in life and that it's when we don't have one that we forget who we are. My wish list is never complete and never all checked off; it changes as my life changes. Many of the things she talks about doing is possible and just because she's married doesn't mean it can't be done. The first step is usually the hardest. I hope she takes that first step and realizes that her life isn't stagnant but just beginning; there's a lot of wishes left on her list.

Perfectly Amiable

"I do, I do like him (Mr. Darcy)," she (Elizabeth Bennet) replied, with tears in her eyes, "I love him. Indeed he has no improper pride. He is perfectly amiable. You do not know what he really is; then pray do not pain me by speaking of him in such terms." Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen

Friday, June 18, 2004

The Weekend

Thank goodness it is finally the weekend. Why? I don't know. I don't really have any fantastic plans to speak of. A friend was kind enough to pass on some coupons to Hollywood Video so I am going to catch up on some movies I've missed. Not sure what I'm in the mood for. I'm sure when I see something that catches my fancy, I will pick it up. Other than that, the plan is to keep cool.

Feeling Unsettled

I think I am going to be sick all day. Part of me just wants to go home, crawl into bed, sleep and wake up hoping last night was all a dream. I don't know if I did the right thing and I don't know what you are thinking. Frankly, I don't know what I was thinking. Are we ready for this? Did I ruin something good? Those words are very powerful and bring with it many fragile feelings. I think I can withstand being shattered; I've done it before.

Taking Risks

I couldn't hold it back any longer. I had this overwhelming feeling to take a risk. I was scared and it probably wasn't the right place but I knew it was the right time for me. I know you've known how I've felt for awhile but I wanted to say it. I am still scared. Scared because I don't know if I should have said it when I did. Scared because I don't know if you said it just because I did. I know you care for me deeply and have strong feelings but I'm not sure if you were ready to say those words. I haven't taken nearly the amount of risks in life that I could have, but I wanted to take this one. And if this isn't meant to be, at least I took a chance.

Thursday, June 17, 2004

The Beginning

Today I read a lot of what you wrote to me when we were first corresponding. Did you ever think back then we would be where we are today? I certainly didn't think so. Now I don't think I can imagine my life without you. You've become a part of my day and a part of me. I'm glad this is only the beginnig because I can't wait for the rest of story.

Absence

They say "absence makes the heart grow fonder" but what really constitutes as being "absent?" You and I don't even live in the same timezone but I miss you so much. Missing someone goes beyond just the physical presence of the other person to the emotional presence. We have that emotional connection and even I'm surprised how much this overwhelms me at times. It is really those particular times that may have no meaning to anyone else except us... your lunch and my afternoons. I know it won't always be this way, but we've both truly realized how much we mean to one another. So, yes, my heart grows fonder each and everyday you are gone, and even when you are here.

I did want to say so many things to you last night about how I have been feeling lately but I held back because I'm not sure it's the right place. The time, well, that's all relative, I suppose. So whatever time and place it happens, I will let it happen because that's when it's suppose to be.

Tuesday, June 15, 2004

A Dream

Today is the 4th anniversary of my dad's passing. He passed away suddenly and though it shocked our family, I think he went the way he wanted to.

Just about a month or so before that, he had taken a trip to Japan with my mom. This was a trip he had been dreaming about for a long time. For awhile he had wanted to find his family in Japan and despite the wonders of modern technology (Internet), good old-fashioned detective work did the trick. My mom found a picture of my dad's cousin tucked away in some box and on the back was an address. He wrote a letter and received one in return from a cousin living at that address. Japan is probably one of the few countries where generations of families still live at the same place. After a couple more letters back and forth, my parents planned a trip to Japan.

I think my dad wanted to reconnect with his roots. My grandparents (his parents) came to Hawaii from Japan and was the first generation (Issei) hence making my dad the second generation (Nisei). This trip was his dream for a long time and during his eulogy, my brother said my dad was able to fulfill his dream. Not many people get to do the things they want to do during their life but at least my dad was able to do something important to him.

Namu Amida Butsu

The Gift

I celebrated my birthday with the first gift I received last Tuesday (6/8/04). I didn't want to write about it until today because, after all, it was a birthday gift. But it was more than just a birthday gift; he told me I got his heart when I received the gift. I will remember that for the rest of my life. And I hope, this gift, that I would like to pass to future generations, will be a reminder of how two special lives came together.

Monday, June 14, 2004

The Significance of 35

Today is the beginning of my 35th year of life. There have been some significant changes since my last birthday. The most significant change has been him. He brings out the best in me and makes me happy. I feel safe and secure with him. So maybe I had to wait 35 years but it was worth it.

Sunday, June 13, 2004

Envious

You called me from the beach and I could hear the surf in the background with the wind blowing. I could tell you were excited to be there. You've talked about going there ever since you found out you would be spending time close to it. Though I was excited for you, I was also envious. Envious that I am in the middle of the desert and in front of you was the vast Atlantic Ocean. I've never really been fond of the Atlantic since I grew up with the Pacific Ocean practically at my doorstep. But I was jealous because I haven't seen the ocean in a long time and I miss it. I miss the memories it evokes, the peace I feel being near it, the way it can clean the soul, and the fact that I can't be there to share it with you. I hope the next time you go, I will be there with you.

Insomnia

I've suffered a form of insomnia for awhile now. It's not to the extent that I cannot sleep at all through the night but that I cannot sleep a complete night through without getting up several times. And I don't mean getting up to use the bathroom or that sort of thing. I will toss and turn a little, and look to see what time it is. Usually it's only an hour or half-hour since the last time I awoke. I'm not sure what causes this but I never had this problem before. I read in a magazine that a large percentage of women in their 30s suffer some form of insomnia due to worries about family life, job and the such. I'm guessing this isn't a problem for men. Short of taking a sleeping pill, I don't really know what to do about it. I'm sure what I'm experiencing is so mild compared to others because at least at some point I can catch up on the missed sleep.

Saturday, June 12, 2004

Weekend Mornings

My weekend mornings tend to be a quiet time. After the hustle and bustle of the week, Saturday and Sunday become the time I need for some rest and relaxation. I like to be quietly spontaneous on the weekends in the sense that I don't like to make a big deal of what I need to do or should do. Instead, spending that extra hour or two in bed becomes the order of the morning. Sometimes sleep overcomes me, sometimes not. But whatever it may be, it's nice to have that time and maybe spend it with someone at the same time. It was a nice morning...

Being Irritable

I noticed that when I become irritable every little thing bothers me. It can be anything from someone just talking to me like they normally do to something blocking my way (like my cat). Irritable borders on irrational for me once in awhile and it's something I don't like. Luckily I can control myself from saying or doing things that I don't really mean and will regret later. I can take that step back, take a deep breath, and remember that it's not as bad as I think it is. Of course it helps having an understanding circle around you because they are the ones who love you no matter what even though they may not like you at the moment. Yes, you don't have to like someone all the time but you love them no matter what.

Friday, June 11, 2004

The World According to Gump

To quote a famous character from the cinema, "Mama always said life was like a box a chocolates, never know what you're gonna get." I'm not sure if I'm getting the caramel with nuts covered in chocolate or the caramel with marshmallow covered in chocolate. Whatever the choice may be, it's always a surprise and it always makes me happy. So let me have the next piece!

Thursday, June 10, 2004

Cravings

Have you ever craved something so much that you would literally go crazy if you didn't have it? There are very few things that would fall in that category for me, and if they do, the feeling eventually passes. But this one hasn't passed and I don't think it will even when I have what I crave. I imagine this will be the feeling in years to come and that makes me happy.

Wednesday, June 09, 2004

With You I Can Spread My Wings

And as I float along this ocean
I can feel you like a notion that won't seem to let me go
Cause when I look to the sky something tells me you're here with me
And you make everything alright
And when I feel like I'm lost something tells me you're here with me
And I can always find my way when you are here


How can one person lift you so high that you seem to float on air? I never really knew this feeling. I thought I did but it's like I'm experiencing it for the first time. We should all have the luxury of feeling this way in our lifetime at least once.

Tuesday, June 08, 2004

Opportunities

I've been presented a lot of opportunities in my lifetime, both personal and professional. Aside from the personal stuff, I've been quite lucky in my professional life. For example, I've worked in one of the most misunderstood professions in my opinion. What you ask may that be? Well, I was a newspaper reporter. Now despite what you may think about newspaper reporters, we don't all drown our sorrows in a bottle of scotch from our desk drawer, chain-smoke endlessly, or fabricate stories. I will say that some of us have taken liberties which we shouldn't.

For myself, being a newspaper reporter was an opportunity of a lifetime. I got to interview top level state officials and even some beyond that, and write some great stories. Nothing is more self-satisfying and almost egotistical than seeing your byline. I think we all want that in our careers.

In other more sedate opportunities though not necessarily less exciting, I have come in at almost the groundwork of a professional school to an empty office and made it my own to some extent. In other words, I didn't just drop into a position and start working; I had to develop it.

Now another opportunity rests on my doorstep. In the normal sense of a professional life, I would be utterly thrilled. However, the kicker to this whole thing is that what I am doing now was never going to be my professional career nor do I want it to be. So I will take the opportunity for whatever period I can and make the most of it... then it's off to the next adventure in my life!

Sunday, June 06, 2004

The First Weekend in June

I'm not sure how much better this weekend could have been... well I do know and while this wasn't the perfect weekend, it will surely be one of the most memorable. Why? Because I can still hear his voice in my head, his breathing, his deep laughter, his accent/dialect, his gentleness, his caring, his warmth, his silliness, his soul. He engulfs my whole being... he is a part of me.

When You Care Enough to Send the Very Best

Buying greeting cards really tells you a lot about your life. For example, today I walked into Hallmark and didn't even look twice at the Father's Day cards. On the other hand, I walked over to the other racks and scanned the selections under some other headings I haven't looked at in a long time. I laughed and giggled over some of them, and sighed over others. I smiled in an almost secret, devilish way because of how I felt. I wonder who these greeting card authors are and if they feel the same when when they pen the "perfect card." Well they certainly know how to make others feel special. Thanks for penning some perfect cards; you earned your buck today.

Saturday, June 05, 2004

A Beautiful Saturday Afternoon

There would only be one thing that would make this a better day than it has been so far but that is left for another time and another place. No doubt that I am looking forward to that time and place but for now I am happy, content, and satisfied.


Years ago I bought this book called "14,000 things to be happy about" by Barbara Ann Kipfer. I'm not sure I could possibly come up with 14,000 things but I know for sure what would be at the top of my list:


  • changing seasons
  • deep, blue ocean
  • torrential rains
  • soft rains
  • snow covered mountain tops
  • good humor
  • being left-handed
  • being adopted
  • loving kitty cats
  • meaningful music
  • good friends
  • independence
  • sincere people
  • and him...

  • Hot Summer Nights

    Just plain simple... it's hot over here. You'd think that after nine years (yes, 9 years) in the desert, I would have gotten used to this. On some level I am used to this but these hot summer nights are the worse because you expect the darkness would bring a cooling of the temperatures. It's much better to stay inside where the a/c works overtime to keep your sanity. While some people may prefer these endless days of sunshine and the such, I prefer more common weather phenomenons such as the occasional rain, soft breezes, and even stormy weather. It just keeps life exciting and unpredictable... kind of how life is for me right now.

    Friday, June 04, 2004

    Everything is clear and everything is new

    If you're cold I'll keep you warm
    If you're low just hold on
    Cause I will be your safety
    Oh don't leave home

    If I could capture the moments that mean the most to me in a bottle, I would. I'm not sure there is a bottle big enough to hold all these moments. I can only keep what's in my mind, my heart, and my soul. I just hope the half I keep will complete the other half he keeps.

    Everything

    You see everything
    You see every part
    You see all my light
    And you love my dark
    You dig everything
    Of which I'm ashamed
    There's not anything to which you can't relate
    And you're still here

    This says just about everything I feel today.

    Thursday, June 03, 2004

    Why am I melancholy?

    I think I am melancholy. I say I "think" because I don't know for sure. I should be happy and ecstatic but I am not quite up to that stage right now. I'm sure it's a combination of things... my father's birthday yesterday, the anniversary of his death coming up, and Father's Day this month. Yes, June is not a good month and for some reason I feel it more this year than the last few years. Why? I have my reasons... the kind of reasons a daughter has when she thinks about certain things in her life that a father should be there for.

    Wednesday, June 02, 2004

    What happens in cyberspace, stays in cyberspace?

    What's ironic about having an online space to write your thoughts is that it is out there for the world to read. But do you really want to the world to read it? I had another blog that I was perfectly happy with until I told someone at work about it. Of course, like anyone else, if I knew about another person's blog, I would have been the first one in line to read it. So what was the problem? I guess I felt that there was someone getting in my personal space and I get extremely uncomfortable when that happens.

    I guess what's interesting is that person noticed it and actually called me about it. Now I'm not sure what to do? Do I reveal my new space or do I keep it hidden? Plus this person actually gave me some feedback and is it not something we all want?

    Boyfriend and Girlfriend

    How silly is it being boyfriend and girlfriend? We feel like we are in high school. He even asked me if I wanted his high school ring... funny! Are we too old to be boyfriend and girlfriend?

    Happy Birthday Daddy!

    Today my dad would have been 80 years old. He passed away almost 4 years ago. He was a simple man who lived his life being the best person he could be; I wish I could be half the person he was. Some of the things I remember about him was that he was a WWII and Korean War vet; he graduated from the same high school I did; he worked for the plantation; he loved to fish; he loved coming to Las Vegas; he loved to help his neighbors; he followed the stock page religiously; he was a good father, husband, brother and son; he was a generous man; and he lived and died the way he wanted to. I miss you daddy... Love, your daughter.

    Tuesday, June 01, 2004

    A New Hidden Beginning

    I can't believe it's June 1st already... only 13 days until I'm... well until my birthday. The future is bright and I gotta wear shades...