Saturday, July 31, 2004

Different Paths

Last weekend a good friend was in town. He and I have been friends for over 10 years now and met when I was still working as a newspaper reporter on Kauai. In fact, I interviewed him as one of my first assignments at the paper because he had won an award. Somehow we became friends and in the two years I lived on the island, we had many interactions. I think that these interactions provided him a distraction from the life he had for so many years and, perhaps, gave him the idea that I was interested in him more that I really was. But I have always maintained and remained only a friend to him though I wondered if he ever thought it might become something more. Regardless, he has never expressed to me his feelings so that I could address them.

I think he knows where we stand now if he didn't already. I felt terrible but I wanted to share the good news in my life. My friend is a very nice and good person but he and I, because of our age difference, are at different points in our life. He already has grown children and even a grandchild, while I have yet to have my first child. He is retired but working again in a new profession that keeps him occupied. I am still working on my first profession. He is content to be where he is at, whereas I am looking forward to moving and beginning the next part of my life.

I wish that he finds the one person who will make him as happy as the person I have found makes me. Everyone should feel the way I feel.

Friday, July 30, 2004

The Door Keeps Swinging

Work feels weird since we have had a massive case of "revolving door" activity. The most noticeable has been one of my bosses who left entirely. It feels strange not to have him around after working with him the last five years. Granted we sometimes did not see eye-to-eye but we always resolved our problems respectfully and professionally. When I first started working here, I admired his management style which might be called collaborative. He always treated every person equally regardless of their rank; I learned a lot from the way he ran the day-to-day operations. Unfortunately, a couple of years ago things changed drastically which left him disenchanted with this place. He became indifferent to the job and just seemed to get through each day painfully. Now he is gone and though things were not good these last couple of years, he did leave his mark here. I wish him the best and hopes that he finds the person that was inside of him when I first knew him.

Thursday, July 29, 2004

You Dance

I won't face another day
I won't wait until tomorrow
I won't spend another night without you
let me carry you away
let me wake you every morning
let me wander every day beside you

'cause you dance in my head, in my heart, in my everything
you belong

you won't worry 'bout a thing
you can sleep a little longer
you can dream another dream beside me
I could walk another road
I could sing another sad song
but I could never make it home without you

'cause you dance in my head, in my heart, in my everything
you belong

'cause you dance in my head, in my heart, in my hands........


Thank you for sharing this song with me...

Monday, July 26, 2004

Beautiful Words

You said the most beautiful words to me yesterday that still brings tears to my eyes when I recall them. You truly have the most beautiful soul of anyone I have ever known and will know. In your heart I can see the beauty in myself. Thank you for being my everything.

Calmness

I felt this wave of calmness come over me this morning as I was driving to work. There was a conversation that needed to happen for a long time. Or maybe not? I guess I just wanted to know if it really mattered or not. I've always been a confident person and happy with who I am. Yes, I admit that if I could change certain things about myself, I would. But who really wouldn't? Obviously, the people who are in business today and the extreme reality shows would not be as popular if there wasn't someone out there that didn't want to "fix" themselves up. In the end, fixing the outside will never fix the inside, and, let's face it, the inside is what ultimately matters.

Thursday, July 22, 2004

I Will Be Here

Today I heard this song that reminded me of you. I'm not too sure when this song came out or what genre it is but it's called "I Will Be Here" by Steven Curtis Chapman:

I will be here
When you feel like being quiet
When you need to speak your mind
I will listen
And I will be here
When the laughter turns to crying
Through the winning, losing and trying
We'll be together
'Cause I will be here

 
This song embodies the type of person you are because everything this song says is what you've said to me. And I will be here for you too...

My Rock

You said it exactly right last night... you are my rock. You bring my confidence up and have this way of talking to me just right. As I said before, I have no doubt in your feelings or sincerity for me and you've proven that over and over again. Thank you for being my rock, my anchor and my everything. I know that I can get through anything with you.

Wednesday, July 21, 2004

Moody

I've been pretty moody today. I thought it was because I went over to my favorite coffee joint only to find out the power was out and I couldn't get my shot of caffeine. But I suspect it's because I'm a little depressed about everything (see previous entry).  Not sure how I am going to get over it and nothing seems to be improving my mood. Maybe tonight is one that needs to be spent alone and in thought. I'm afraid that I can't do that anymore. I'm afraid of a lot of things.

Que Sera Sera

No matter how much I try to not worry about this whole relationship, I can't help myself. Realistically speaking, what if that last piece does not fit? I mean there is nothing I can do to make it fit and though I've tried to counsel myself into believing que sera sera (what will be, will be), I will be somewhat devastated. I am emotionally attached to another person and that is a very scary thing when you don't know if that attachment is really real. I have no doubt in the sincerity and the feelings of the other person but I also realize that until we see and meet for the very first time, nothing is a guarantee. I'm not sure if I am strong enough to handle all of this.


Tuesday, July 20, 2004

Being Best Friends

Today a married, male co-worker reinforced what I've always believed about relationships. He said that at the end of the day it's not about being just a husband or a wife, but about being best friends. He said that he and his wife are best friends and that it means more to them than being spouses to each other. I thought that was very appropriate being that I've always believed the basis for a good relationship begins with a strong friendship. In fact, I don't think I could have a relationship with someone unless I was friends with them. I think that at the end of the day being friends brings more respect to the relationship than any other thing.

Confidence

I know that sometimes I lack confidence. I guess I worry too much about that last defining factor which, in some ways, is really only a small part of the puzzle that will complete the picture. And just like a puzzle piece, it doesn't hold together the whole relationship. We've already established a solid base for our relationship and that I have a lot of confidence and faith in.
 

Monday, July 19, 2004

Firsts

So today begins the start to another week and the end to another weekend. As lovely as it is to spend the weekend chatting on the computer and talking on the phone, it pales in comparison to being in the actual presence of another person. But we make-do with what we have and look forward to spending a lot of time with each other.
 
As I was driving to work this morning, I thought about how wonderful it will be to spend a week with you. The funny, almost comedic, part about that week will be spending the time cramming in the last 10 months of our relationship in--the first look, the first date, the first hand hold, the first kiss and a lot of other firsts. At least we don't have to do a lot of "getting to know each other" since that's all we've done by our many wonderful and memorable conversations. They have been the best conversations I've had and the ones that I keep close to my heart. But I so look forward to these other firsts we have yet to experience.


Friday, July 16, 2004

What is normal?

I don't have a "normal" relationship so when certain situations occur, I am not good at handling them nor do I know what to do. I think I have this fantasy view of what a relationship should be like and some of it comes from reading too many novels and watching too many movies. But I know the difference which is why I sometimes have to take a step backwards and realize that these situations are normal for a relationship if we were in the same space. It just takes a little more effort when it's across thousands of miles of phone lines.

Thursday, July 15, 2004

Rain!

It rained today at the most inopportune time, of course. I was out having lunch with a friend and as we were leaving the restaurant, she noted it was starting to rain. We had walked to lunch so that meant we had to walk back. The rain was more of a drizzle and nothing like what they are having on the east coast right now. I have really nothing to complain about; it's just annoying to come back to work slightly damp.

Wednesday, July 14, 2004

Who Loves Ya, Baby?

Kojak coined the phrase, "Who loves ya, baby?" as part of his shtick during the 70s television show of the same name as his. After 35 years I am no longer my mom's baby but another person's. Well not in the same sense but more in the sense that there is someone out there who wants the job of taking care of me. It's sort of like the Olympic torch of life, you get handed off to someone else, especially if you are a woman. I don't view this as anything more than the affection of a very lovely man who wants to dedicate part of his life to me. He doesn't want to control or handle me but rather cares and worries about me as part of his life now. As the former diva of domesticity would say, "It's a good thing."

Tuesday, July 13, 2004

Lifetime Friendships

I am a person who can count the number of close friends she has on her two hands. I don't tend to gather friends like I buy magazines, numerous and without much self-control. The friends I have are the type of people you may not have talked to for a long time but when you do get in touch with them, it was like time never passed.

This bodes true with a friend who I have known since high school. We didn't attend the same high school but rather became friends by accident, I think. She's like that flavor of ice cream you would never try even though it is really good while I'm vanilla. She's quirky and sometimes a bit kooky while I'm probably more conventional. I think we balance each other out very nicely. And no matter what time of our lives we are in, we can always depend upon the other.

Yesterday was the first time we've talked in quite awhile I am ashamed to say. But as it holds true, we chatted up a storm before her cell phone battery died like we had talked every single day before.

Laughter Rates Above All in Love

On the radio this morning, the morning DJs mentioned a survey that said people are most likely to fall in love with someone who makes them laugh. In looking for the article they mentioned, the survey also noted that this trait was chosen over "people who made them think." While laughter is self-explainatory, I'm not too sure what they meant about "people who made them think." I can only surmise what that might mean.

For myself, anytime I am asked to describe what I look for in a potential partner, I tend to give this laundry list: someone who is kind, funny, smart, loves good conversation, likes to travel, likes to read, likes bookstores, likes to explore museums, and likes good coffee. I always list kindness as the first trait because I believe that with kindess comes other qualities such as respect, generosity, mindfulness, and sensitivity. Okay so I can check everything off that list except one. That's not bad. So you don't like coffee but you're willing to make it for me. That makes me a very happy person and, on a side note, I expect to laugh a lot for the rest of my life.

Monday, July 12, 2004

Perspective

It's always good to have friends you can commiserate with. I have a very good friend who used to be my boss at one time. The funny part was that when she first became my boss, we did not get along very well. But eventually things got ironed out and when we both left our jobs (almost simultaneously), she to go back to school and me to a new position, our friendship took root. She has always been one of those people who seems to help me make sense of things. Being that I had an awful week last week with my job, she helped me put things into perspective. Actually she was downright sympathetic with me and that's all I wanted. Sometimes that's all you need from your friends.

Weekend Musings

As most weekends go, it was as lovely as it could be. If it is this good apart, I suspect it will be a hundred times better when we are together. My happiness cup is still overflowing...

Sunday, July 11, 2004

Euphoria

I am high on love today... well everyday but more so today.

Saturday, July 10, 2004

1 + 1 = 2

One of the most interesting realizations I had in the last few days is that it isn't just about me anymore but rather about us. I am in awe that there is someone out there thinking about me, worrying about me, concerned about my happiness and wants to have a future with me. I am so very happy you are part of my life and I am looking forward with eager anticipation (and I few knots in my stomach) to the next step in our relationship.

Who's On First?

I have this tendency to put other people's feelings in front of mine and this happens in many situations--work, friends and family. I care about the harmony and happiness of others more than myself and though I've been so much better about putting myself first, it doesn't always happen. I end up feeling resentful and almost a bit angry. While most people don't take advantage of this, I have been in at least one bad situation in the past that left me nearly devastated but not broken. Of course, I should have listened more closely to this person because they even admitted they tended to manipulate others if they knew they could. Because I believe that most people are inherently good, I thought that person might prove themselves wrong but sadly that didn't happen. Thankfully, I still go through life with the belief that people are inherently good until proven otherwise.

And for the most part, the friends and family I have give just as much as they take from me but I don't accept nearly as much as I should have. I guess I equate this to gifts at Christmas... I enjoy giving them but I feel uneasy accepting them. I know I should accept more and, in doing so, it doesn't mean that I am taking any more than I deserve. So maybe I have a few things to work out with myself but at least I realize what these issues are and I can deal with them.

Friday, July 09, 2004

Disheartenment

So last night after a number of conversations, each one succeedingly worse than the next, I climbed into bed and sobbed. I normally don't feel sorry for myself but last night I did. Sometimes it's good to feel sorry for yourself as long as no one else is there to witness it. Thankfully, the cat is good about keeping my secrets.

Frustration


1 : the act of frustrating
2 a : the state or an instance of being frustrated b : a deep chronic sense or state of insecurity and dissatisfaction arising from unresolved problems or unfulfilled needs
3 : something that frustrates

I am just plain frustrated at the moment with a lot of things, most of which I cannot articulate the way I want to. I'm sure that this too shall pass.

Wednesday, July 07, 2004

Let Me Count the Ways

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.
I love thee to the level of everyday's
Most quiet need, by sun and candlelight.
I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;
I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.
I love thee with the passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints—I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life!—and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.
-Elizabeth Barrett Browning

I could not have said it better. My love for you only grows stronger with each passing day.

Tuesday, July 06, 2004

Love Actually

The weekend was as pleasant as it could be considering the circumstances. I was thinking that next year I might be in an entirely different situation. It's weird to think in that terms but as you know a year goes by rather quickly.

As for the present weekend, I spent Saturday being as lazy as I wanted to be and watching the movie, Love Actually. I had seen it in the theaters when it first came out. Of course my motivation for buying the movie was Colin Firth, whose role was not what I would call spectacular. But then again what is more spectacular than being Mr. Darcy (swoon)? One realizes after watching the movie that there are so many different kinds of love out there. For myself, being in love really changes how you see the world.

The rest of the weekend was spent quietly aside from seeing the movie, The Notebook, and having lunches with some good friends. The Notebook is based on the novel by Nicholas Sparks. Though I haven't read the novel, the movie is a real tear jerker. Both my friend and I were crying at the end. The author of the book said in an interview that he based the story on his grandparents who were married over 60 years. I hope I am just as lucky as they are.

Saturday, July 03, 2004

Saturday In The Park...

... I think it was the Fourth of July. I have never been a big Fourth of July celebrator. In fact, the first time I really enjoyed the Fourth of July festivities was when I lived on Kauai (1992-1994). It was one of the few holidays we had off from the newspaper. I think the whole island decided to descend upon Vidinha Stadium where people brought out mats to sit on the grass and listen to music by local bands all afternoon. It was hot, sticky and humid but it didn't seem to affect anyone there. The climax of the day or rather evening was the spectacular display of fireworks above the stadium. Regardless of age, everyone had their eyes toward the sky above the stadium.

I really enjoyed my life on Kauai after living in the big city five years prior to that. It was a chance to return to the "small town" atmosphere because, let's face it, the whole island of Kauai is like a small town. Being able to attend festivities like the Fourth of July "Concert in the Sky" on Kauai was such a perk for me. I miss those days and especially on a weekend like this, I wish I was there again.

I Could Not Ask for More

These are the moments
I know heaven must exist
These are the moments I know all I need is this
I have all I've waited for
And I could not ask for more

I could not ask for more than this time together
I could not ask for more than this time with you
Every prayer has been answered
Every dream I have's come true
And right here in this moment is right where I'm meant to be
Here with you here with me

Simply amazing. Yes, this week has been simply amazing. I look forward to sharing more of these moments with you, my love.

Friday, July 02, 2004

Expectations

I worry sometimes that expectations will exceed what is truly real. Our mind can play cruel tricks on us because our imagination is much more artistic than we are in real life. But then again isn't everyone's? I guess the best thing we can do is to keep it in check as much as possible.

Thursday, July 01, 2004

Keep Learning and Teach Others

I recently listened to an impromptu speech given by someone celebrating his birthday. He imparted two ideas that he had once heard from the president of a university he used to work at: 1) keep learning and 2) teach others. While I'm sure these pertained to the academic world at the time, the birthday boy related that these are good general guidelines to life itself. In a good-natured way, he related that relationships are kept "exciting" when learning still commences and that if you know something, you should always impart your knowledge. Of course he was jokingly referring to a co-worker who had mentioned she was vacationing at the same place he was. This co-worker was celebrating her first anniversary while the birthday boy was vacationing with his wife of many years. So you see where this is going, right?

But for whatever it is worth, relationships are hard work and the more you can learn from others about what works in a successful relationship, will ultimately provide you with your own success, in my opinion. And, hopefully, your future generations will also have the same successes as you did.