Monday, August 30, 2004

Being Reviewed

Imagine my surprise when I found out someone reviewed my blog (see the comment for the previous entry). Truthfully, I was taken aback that some random person would take it upon themselves to give their opinion about my writing and even assign numerical values based on the areas of writing, content quality, public/personal and overall. His opinion is based on personal observation rather than professional knowledge as far as I can tell.

Nevertheless, on some level he makes a couple of good observations about my blog. But I think he fails to see the blog for what it is: My personal musings. Yes, it is for public viewing and I welcome comments, including this person's. However, this blog is a place for me to put down my feelings no matter how obtuse they may be. And yes I admit much of it is obtuse and only has meaning to one particular person; my most private thoughts are only meant for certain mediums and this is not one of them. One thing I would like to say is that I am not uncertain about my relationship as he makes note of. He may believe the relationship is "new" and therefore "uncertain" but it is neither. When I write about my relationship, I am talking about the ups and downs that we face as a couple and how we (mostly I) contend with them.

In any case, thanks for your review and for your comments. It's not very often that I receive feedback on what I write.

Saturday, August 28, 2004

Moving Along

Sometimes change gives you a whole new outlook on life; hence, the new template here. I'm not sure if I like it enough to keep it for awhile but I will keep it for now. You need some change to know that you aren't stagnating.

Friday, August 27, 2004

Clash of the Sexes

I find it quite ironic that the one subject I taught for a few semesters is coming back to haunt me. At the time I taught the class (interpersonal communication), I was not in a relationship. But I read a lot of papers about my various student's relationships because it seemed that the one thing the women were going to get out of the class was a way to improve their communication with their significant other. One of the chapters on interpersonal relationships discussed how men and women communicate differently. Research (yes, someone actually studies this stuff) concluded that women find talk as the ultimate intimacy while men generally don't like talking about their feelings and tend to "report" stuff. In addition, men bond by "doing" things while women bond by sharing the most personal aspects of their lives. On a basic level, if something is broken, men like to "fix" it while women don't necessarily want it "fixed" but rather want to garner sympathy that it's broken. So what do you suppose happens when men and women communicate? Often times miscommunication leading to arguments occur.

Now that I am in a relationship, these "theories" I once taught are coming back to lead me, so to speak. I must admit that I am rather lucky to have found someone who is comfortable sharing their feelings with me; his ability to do so exceeds my expectations. But he is still a man and I am still a woman. He wants to "fix" things while I am not searching for a "fix" but rather the sympathy that it's broken. Of course, this is the natural inclination of our respective sexes. The idea is to communicate a little more succinctly. And if you have a disagreement, realize that it can be a catharsis. The top researcher on this subject suggests that if you do have an disagreement, be mindful about how you give suggestions or criticisms, fight fairly, talk about fighting when you aren't fighting, and use humor. I know that above all we love and respect each other, and everything that happens only strengthens what we already have. Yes, we might clash a bit, but it's the kind of clash that needs to happen for our relationship to continue to grow as well as our individual selves.

Byouku

In Japanese, "byouku" means sick body or sick constitution. I haven't been myself lately and I'm not sure what is the cause. I suppose a lot of it is stress related. I hope this feeling passes soon and I return to my "normal" self.

Tuesday, August 24, 2004

Plans

I've never been much of a planner. I usually live by the seat of my pants... mostly this means I'm a procrastinator and do things at the last minute. But lately I've been in the planning mode: Planning on trips, planning on the future, planning 'till the sun goes down. It's rather nice to have these plans.

Win-Win

What doesn't tear you down can only make you stronger, right? As the intense emotional battle goes on with my mom, I decided to bring in the reinforcements. Well, not really. I just needed an ally, preferrably another family member. And I found one. There is really no battle because to have one would mean someone would come out the loser. I definitely don't want that to happen. While I think that this can be resolved, I know it will take a little while. I'm willing to give it some time and just the little bit that happened today leads me to believe it can be. Only time will tell.

Sunday, August 22, 2004

Some Things Are Better Left Unsaid

When I was growing up, certain things were just understood in our family. For example, we rarely, if ever, said aloud that we loved each other; you just knew that your parents and siblings loved you. On some level, it is a sad testament of how a family should express their feelings toward each other but this was the norm growing up in a semi-traditional Japanese household. My parents never told me they loved me or that they were proud of me except when I received a card from them expressing it. I was supposed to know these things. And I did. Whether growing up this way paved the way for my relationship with my family now remains to be seen but it seems to affect how my mom and I communicate today. The bottomline is that my mom and I don't see eye to eye when it comes to relationships. It's a subject we never really discussed growing up and was best avoided because what she didn't know wouldn't hurt her. But I figured that since I am well past the age of consent, being somewhat honest wasn't a big deal. I was wrong. For some reason we can't seem to get to the real truth behind why she disapproves of what I'm doing. I know part of this has to do with a generational gap between us but you'd think that the amount of time she spends watching her "soaps" would clue her in on the fact that it's a different world out there. It doesn't mean your child is not moral or doesn't have any virtue but that the nature of relationships have changed. In fact, some might say that the way things were going was just too slow and too old-fashioned. Don't get me wrong... I still love and respect my mom but I also know I have to live my own life. Maybe some things are better left unsaid for the moment.

Between A Rock and A Hard Place

That's where I feel like I am right now.

Tuesday, August 17, 2004

Missing You Fiercely

As expected, today was a little better than the day before and I know tomorrow will be even better. I think I've gotten over the initial depression of missing you. I still miss you so fiercely but I can at least look forward to the next time we meet. It'll be nice to be in your space.

Sunday, August 15, 2004

Getting Back to Life

I am glad the weekend is almost over and I will be back at work tomorrow. I need the regiment of work again. Yesterday and today have been rather difficult for me-- more than I imagined. I really didn't think it would be this difficult. In fact, I thought things would be much easier since a lot of what I worried about would disappear. In a way things are so much more better and so much more harder. I'm not really great at handling the harder part. I want to be but I'm afraid that I won't be.

Saturday, August 14, 2004

The Best Week of My Life

To say this was the best week of my life is not an exaggeration. I used to think I wouldn't find that one person who could turn my world upsidedown. But I did. I've known him for a long time and I think I've known it for a long time. He is the person who makes me truly happy. It's the kind of happiness that is indescribable but makes you feel tingly inside everytime you think about it. PMH I love you very much with all my being.

Friday, August 06, 2004

Our Journey

It's quite incredible that tomorrow is the end of one journey and the beginning of another. My feelings frighten me because they are so strong, so emotional, so passionate, so real and so overwhelming. I am still unsure how I will act/react when I first see you. But I'm ready. The journey to this day has been built on friendship, full of a love between a man and a woman, and meant to join us together. I will be there waiting for you so that what was once a walk we each took alone can become a walk we begin to take together. I truly love you with all my heart and soul.

Thursday, August 05, 2004

Comfortable

My feelings have been taking emotional twist and turns this week. I'm not sure if it has to do with the anticipation of the meeting. In truth, I feel very comfortable right now, kind of like settling in an overstuffed chair and having a good book to read while it's raining outside. I guess that's a good thing because it means that things are becoming more settled. I'm just worried about "starting over" again when we meet. I know that's the least of my worries but I think it'll make things a little more awkward than I'd like it to be. I know that I am so comfortable on the phone and on the computer that my fear of not being comfortable in person is not really an issue right now. I'm sure that as the hours turn into minutes and then into seconds before we meet, I'll be a wreck.

Tuesday, August 03, 2004

Tick Tock, Tick Tock

So here we are at Tuesday and while I didn't want to "countdown" to Saturday, guess what I am doing? I somehow wish time would stand still for a moment while I catch my breath. The anticipation is killing me... well causing me to feel extremely elated and at the same time very nauseous. Sometimes I wish I had another month or even another week to prepare myself for this. I know we are both ready for this because if we weren't, either of us, this wouldn't be happening. I just can't imagine how I will be feeling just minutes before you walk into baggage claim. I'm not sure what to expect or feel at that moment but I'm sure it'll be a feeling that I would like to remember the rest of my life... the first time I lay eyes on your face.

Phone Home

This past weekend brought me a myriad of problems including my phone being on the fritz. My phone line is my connection to many things including the Internet (no, I don't have DSL or cable modem) and to the one person who has become a part of my day. Imagine my horror and panic when I realized that after a weekend of not talking to him as much as I usually do, I was going to get gyp on the last few hours of the weekend that I had been looking forward to. We managed to have a half-decent conversation above the static. I don't think I could imagine not hearing his voice every day. That and his laughter brings me a security and calmness I never knew. I truly feel at home with him.

Sunday, August 01, 2004

Weird Dreams

My feelings alternate from euphoria to being scared and nervous. I suspect that I am not going to sleep well this week at all. This morning I had the weirdest dream about someone I would have rather not dreamed about. The dream itself was not a good dream which stands to reason but it was disturbing. This week will either fly right by or crawl as slow as it can. I'm not sure what I prefer at this point.

The Waiting Game

I can't believe that exactly one week from now you will be on a plane flying here to see me. We have gone from waiting weeks to now just days. It almost seems surreal that all of this finally happening. I can't really express the depth of my feelings for you but you know how I feel. I know you feel the same way too. My world is complete with you.