Wednesday, September 29, 2004

Music and Memories

Songs always evoke particular memories for me. As I spend time listening to different songs for the big day, these are some of the songs that remind me of the past, present and future:

West End Girls - Pet Shop Boys - 11th Grade trip to Washington, DC for the Close Up program, circa 1985. One of the most rewarding trips I ever went on. Besides learning about government "up close," I also met great people from around the U.S. including my roommates who were from California and West Virginia. I still have a couple of good friends I made on that trip to this day.

Crazy For You - Madonna - High school, circa 1986-87. Probably one of the most played songs at high school dances. Reminds me of the crushes I had.

Mr. Roboto - Styx - High school, circa 1983. I remember my dad brought home a rabbit from a co-worker. He started calling her "Mrs. Robato" because we didn't know what to name her. That became her name. My dad was funny like that.

Heaven - Bryan Adams - First love, circa 1988-90. You never forget the first time you fall in love. I don't regret it and I'm glad I got over it.

Accidentally In Love - Counting Crows - Falling in love, 2003-04. What a fun song! Will always remind me of the silly boy that got my attention.

You Dance - Eastmountainsouth - True love, 2004. Was told this song reminded him of me. It's our song; the first song we will dance to as husband and wife.

Sunday, September 26, 2004

Quite Lucky

The self-pity party didn't last very long. I spent time with some very good friends talking about plans. And, of course, despite being 2000 miles away, my sweetie managed to make me feel he wasn't. If I didn't think I could love him anymore, I find out that I love him just a little bit more. The way we are with each other only makes me look forward to the days we can spend every evening and every morning together. We have so much love to give each other and, in time, that love will extend out.

I am constantly reminded how lucky I am to have this lovely person in my life. I am fortunate because I can join my life with his and we can become a family. While I spent time with some friends of mine discussing all these wonderful plans I had, I was sadden at the fact that legally they can't do the same thing. So what if they are both of the same gender? It doesn't make what they have any less beautiful that what we have. Yes, I know I am quite lucky; enough self-pity.

Saturday, September 25, 2004

Self-Pity

A wave of sadness washed over me as I drove home this evening. Well, perhaps it was self-pity. This weekend especially I am missing having my sweetie by my side. It's been six weeks since I last held his hand and was in his physical presence. I am missing him terribly. Here we are planning the rest of our lives together and, yet, we are not together. I know it's only a matter of time before I see him next. In fact, it's only four and a half weeks before we will see each other again. We are both looking forward to it.

In all truthfulness, I think I miss being a "normal" couple. Yes, our relationship is anything but normal. Rather, we have what I conveniently like to call a "21st century" relationship. We spend appropriate amounts of time with each other talking on IM and on the phone. In some respects, we probably spend more time talking with each other than other couples who have the luxury to just be together. I guess when you are with someone, and I mean with someone, you don't need to spend the time conversing. I don't know. I'm sure I am just feeling sorry for myself and it will pass.

In other more positive news, the family seems to be dealing well with the plans.

Thursday, September 23, 2004

Somebody Waiting for Me

I take a walk,
The streets are busy tonight,
And I'm searching for you,
Waiting to brush your shoulder.
When I'm alone,
I watch the faces roll by. Roll, roll, roll right by me.

Well I know, I won't cry cause there is somebody, somebody,
Somebody waiting for me, out in the rain.
I won't cry, not tonight,
Cause there is somebody waiting for me.

After all this time, I've found the person waiting for me. It was you; it was always you.

Wednesday, September 22, 2004

Longing

Today I longed to feel you next to me. That feeling came over me suddenly while I sat in a meeting at work. I imagined how wonderful it would feel to come home to you and have you wrap your arms around me while you were sitting down and I was standing. Really, all I could think about was how nice it would be to just go home to you every single day; to know that you were waiting for me or coming home to me. It's funny how quickly you become "used to" having another person around. I guess I really didn't know how much I needed you but I do.

Tuesday, September 21, 2004

Are We On the Same Page?

For the last few weeks, important news has been floating around our families. For some, it's been wholeheartedly welcomed while for others, it's been a little harder to take. But after some tears, frustration and one person's decision to take things into their own hands, everything is falling into place. I think everyone is finally on the same page. That doesn't mean that life is a fairy tale and we can all go off into the sunset happily. Rather, I still think it'll take some getting used to but, in all, things seem to be moving along.

Friday, September 17, 2004

The Customer is Always (Sometimes) Right

Recently I purchased an item from a well-known online retailer. I have made purchases from this retailer before though most of them arrived through the local postal service. In fact, I was pleased that the things I ordered would arrived promptly and, even in some cases, much earlier than expected.

My good fortune ended with this last purchase that was sent using a delivery service that I shall not name. It was coming "ground" service and I expected it to take a few days but as I tracked the progress of my package, I became increasingly agitated. You see, this particular retailer has a warehouse in the state I live in and within a day of placing my order, the package had already made its way into my town. But after almost 5 days (not including weekends and yes I know they don't deliver on weekends), seeing that it wasn't delivered, I called this service to inquire what might be the problem. Well on at least two of the five days the package did not even make it on a delivery truck. On one of the other days it was missed for delivery. I finally received my package after calling the company's toll-free number and asking what the problem was delivering one package?

In addition, I wrote a nice but firm email to this online retailer explaining my situation and that they should reconsider this carrier for their services. I didn't expect anything in return other than a venue to vent my frustrations. I was pleasantly surprised when I received an email this morning with an apology and a refund on my shipping costs. I'm glad to learn that there are some companies that still take care of their customers. I have worked in retail before and I by no means believe that the customer is always right. Rather, I take the approach that the customer is sometimes right, and in this case, I was.

Thursday, September 16, 2004

A Partner in Life

I am constantly amazed about the wonderful person I have in my life. To quote myself in a conversation I had with him recently, I said, "I now know what it means to have a good relationship." I've only had one other serious relationship and when I look back at it, in the grand scheme of relationships, it was just "okay." There was a lot of selfishness on his side and the sad part was that I accepted it. I thought I was in love; I wasn't.

Today I am truly in love. He cares more about how I feel and my needs more than his own. I feel the same way about him. This is not to say that we don't have our moments. We work hard at our relationship and the most important part is that we BOTH work hard. Sometimes the scales get a little tilted but immediately balances itself out. I love him with an intensity that I've never loved anyone else. In fact, one of the best compliments he ever gave me was that I was willing to work at making our relationship better. I do want our relationship to be the best it can be and I know he does too. Our love only encourages us to make it the kind of relationship we both want. It's quite wonderful and almost unbelievable. Even I am in awe at this person who will soon become my partner in life. I can't wait for that day...

As the Season Changes...

Fall is finally almost here. This summer was hot but not any hotter than the last nine summers I've spent here. But this was by far the best summer I've had in the last nine years. And next summer, well, I won't be spending it in the desert; at least I hope I won't be. The impending changes in my life are so exciting though I don't want to really talk about them right now. In time I will slowly reveal a few things here and there.

I truly love this time of the year as summer slowly turns into autumn. I think this is one of the reasons I love living on the mainland--the changing seasons. Don't get me wrong, I loved living in Hawaii where everyday was paradise. But nothing beats the different seasons because you feel the changes throughout the year. I admit that where I live there aren't drastic changes in the seasons but just enough to feel like autumn, winter, spring and summer. Truthfully, I am looking forward to the day I get to spend my first Christmas in the middle of a winter wonder land. I know everyone who has ever lived in snow will say I'm crazy but I don't care. I need to experience snow for myself.

Sunday, September 12, 2004

The Look (Feel) of Love

I knew how I wanted love to feel when I fell in love; this is exactly how I wanted to feel. I can't even put it into words how I feel right now but it's a feeling that fills me from the top of my head down to the tips of my toes. Love is more than a feeling by one person, it is a feeling between two people. I feel that between us. Despite the distance and the time that was passed, our love has only grown stronger. When I dreamed of being in love, this is what I imagined it to be. Some of it, I admit, comes from reading too many novels and watching too many movies. But this is truly how love is supposed to feel. It's a feeling that warms you from the inside out and makes you giddy at the same time. It's a feeling of being connected to another human being in a way like no other way except, I would guess, when you have children. It's a feeling of finding that missing part of you that you didn't know was missing. It's a feeling that you never want to end because it just feels too good. Being in love is just plain wonderful and the best part of it is I am in love with you.

Saturday, September 11, 2004

Dreams

You know things bother you when you dream about them. Well perhaps bother is not the correct word to use. Rather these things are on your mind because you are worried about them. At least for myself, that's usually the way it goes when I dream, and unfortunately when I dream heavily about something, I usually don't get enough sleep. The last couple of days, my already slim amount of sleep has gotten even slimmer. I spend the time worrying about all the things I need to do or need to make decisions about. I think the problem is not so much that I have these things to do or these decisions to make but rather not making any commitments. It's like being wishy-washy, and I don't really like being wishy-washy. I know these are big decisions to make but they are so overwhelming at times. Of course I know that the decisions will get made and everything will turn out just wonderfully. And those dreams I've been having, well they will turn into the day I've been dreaming about since I met you.

Monday, September 06, 2004

One Month

It'll be one month tomorrow since you came to visit me. The memories of your trip here are still fresh. I still remember the first time I saw you at the airport, the first time you wrapped your arms around me and the first time you kissed me. We were comfortable around each other almost immediately, like we had known each other for a long time. In a way we did. I loved you before you came here and loved you even more after you left. You made me feel things I hadn't felt in a long time and thought I would never feel again. You have brought so much happiness into my life and my love for you has continued to grow each and every day. You are my best friend, my love and my soulmate. I can't wait to be with you again, my love.

Hurricanes and the Human Spirit

Hurricane Frances brought back memories of a hurricane I survived in 1992. I moved to my first "real" job after graduating college and spending the summer enjoying my carefree days. I had just arrived on Kauai on Labor Day, moved into a rented room in a home, and started working that week becoming acclimated with my job. I was a young, inexperienced reporter still learning the ropes when someone mentioned a hurricane approaching the island. I was stunned. The day of the hurricane, ironically Sept. 11, 1992, my boss called to say some families would be setting up camp at the office because the building was concrete. Many of these people had survived a previous hurricane 10 years before that and knew it would be the best place to wait it out. That day and night turned into a bonding experience with people I had just met, and as the eye of Iniki passed over the island, I would be haunted for years by those category 5 winds.

My two subsequent years working on Kauai gave me a new understanding of the human spirit. I remember clearly the day after the hurricane hit, if you turned a blind eye to the mass devastation left by Iniki, you would think it was just another beautiful day in paradise. But you couldn't avoid the destruction left by the hurricane nor would you want to. My "induction" into the world of reporting the news went from learning to just jumping in. I am still amazed at the perserverence of people even at their lowest moments. There were families who lost everything and were literally rebuilding their lives... no mementos to even remember things like the birth of their children, the first picture taken at school, the weddings, the family parties. How do you restart your life and rebuild your past?

But they did. I saw people who had nothing share when they got something with others. I saw neighbors helping neighbors, businesses helping businesses, and even strangers helping strangers. Sometimes we lose faith in even our own humanity until something like this happens.

I left my job and the island two years later. In some respects, even today the island is still recovering. I would not give up one single day I lived there if I had to do it all over again.

Saturday, September 04, 2004

Love Rules, Distance Bites!

Being far apart from the one you love puts some added pressures on the relationship. One of the "problems" is relying solely on the other person's tone of voice and words rather than their facial expressions and body language. What's funny was that it seemed much more easier before we were around each other. Now that we've spent time in each other's presence, those missing "pieces" seem to be more important than before. But the key to keeping our relationship successful and growing is our continued commitment to it and our communication with each other. Though hard at times, the pushing and the pulling is necessary and appreciated. Yes, the distance bites but love rules!

The Past

"Those who do not learn from the past are destined to repeat it." But sometimes the past needs to remain in the past and not remembered at all. I have discovered that some of my past experiences affects how I feel and react to different situations. This by no means implies that I believe or think the exact situations are going to happen again. If that was the case, I wouldn't take any chances. But on some level I am guarded and I freely admit that I do worry about things that have happened to me in the past. Regardless of the fact that it happened a very long time ago, I still need to get over it a little bit. I do love and I do believe in you, and don't ever forget that.