Monday, January 31, 2005

The Ground Rules

So I'm not really a fan of Dr. Phil but in the February issue of O, The Oprah Magazine he wrote an excellent article called "Dr. Phil's Top Ten Ground Rules for Long-Term Loving." Admittedly, I have become a sucker for these articles since I will be getting married soon. Over the next couple weeks (before Valentine's Day), I will be discussing one or two of these a day or when I can get to them.

1) Know Yourself: Think about it. How can you love someone when you don't even know yourself? Dr. Phil says that in order to have your needs fulfilled (by your partner) you have to know what they are. So basically you need to know yourself and what those needs are. Makes sense to me.

2) Let Your Partner In: Basically this is all about trust and entrusting your deepest secrets with your partner. I agree with the good doc that this is the scariest and hardest thing to do. I'm not sure how people do it but I use this blog as a good start with my fiance. He (Dr. Phil) even suggests putting things down on paper but also cautions not to use this information against the other person. Good advice.

More tomorrow or so.

Friday, January 28, 2005

Dreamland

Last night I had a disturbing dream that involved an airport, breaking up or maybe not breaking up, feeling hurt and confusion. It might seem like a rather simple dream but it wasn't. I woke up feeling uneasy. Lately I haven't been myself for many reasons but mostly because of the enormous amount of stress I am bearing. For some reason I feel weighed down by it all and then I don't. I know I am not making sense but then again the dream didn't make sense.

I just wanted to hear his voice this morning of all mornings but it wasn't possible due to an important meeting at his work. It's okay; I'm not that needy. I think the dream may have stemmed by some conversations we had last night about travel and work, and the prospect of being newlyweds. Seems rather insane since we will be together more than we are now despite the probable week apart once a month. Not sure what brought that on.

I'm glad it's the weekend. It can't seem to come fast enough nowadays.

Knight At My Table

Though I've been quiet lately it doesn't mean I don't have a lot on my mind. And believe me, I have A LOT on my mind. Life is about to change fast. Some days I wish the world would just slow down a bit because I need more time. On the other hand, I look forward to being with my sweetie and can't wait for the time to pass by. I realize more and more that I cannot imagine spending my life without him. Despite the fact that on some days I can be the back end of a donkey, he remains my knight. Yes, that's it; he is my shining knight. He is my protector. He lifts me up when I can't do it myself and he walks beside me when I can; together we are a team and make up a whole.

More thoughts to come soon.

Wednesday, January 26, 2005

Baby Talk

Being pregnant right now is not the right time and I'm not. But the thought has crossed over my mind the last couple of weeks. On some level, my stress meters go wacko and I imagine walking down the aisle with my future daughter or son in tow or rather inside. On another level, I would be visibly relieved that at the age of 35, I can conceive without too much effort. In any case, we aren't "trying" to get pregnant so not being pregnant is a relief.

Thursday, January 20, 2005

Pressure

I feel like the pressure is on. I only have about three months before I leave my job and my life in Las Vegas. I wish it was as easy as just getting up and going. But I have responsibilities and it's not that easy. All this pressure is making me worry and when I worry, I tend not to sleep well. Hopefully I'll be able to catch up on a little bit this weekend.

Sunday, January 16, 2005

Time Marches On

The last five days passed rather quickly. We were busy settling some wedding plans and meeting family and friends. In all, everything went well and we continue on to the big day, five months from tomorrow.

I think both of us are getting tired of doing the "vacation" meeting. The first couple of times were really nice and wonderful but now we want to have our normal life together. We are both homebodies and it's hard to have that life when either one of our lives are really on the other side of the country. I know when we eventually live with each other day in and day out, things will be more like we both want it to be. It's difficult right now to be the kind of supportive partner in a relationship that you want to be when your time together is not the normal couple time. What I mean is that when you are in that vacation mode and life is not normal, you tend to put the other things aside to worry about later and you don't want to tell the other person because you are afraid of spoiling the time. We look forward to our normal life together and that the time passes quickly.

Tuesday, January 11, 2005

On Vacation

I'm taking a few days off to spend some quality time with the fiance. We'll visit some family (hopefully--rain, please stop), work on some wedding plans and have him meet some friends. I'm looking forward to our "holiday" together. We haven't had Christmas or New Years yet so laissez les bons temps rouler!

Thursday, January 06, 2005

Marriage and the Single Woman

In the last few months, I have become somewhat obsessed with books, videos and websites about marriage. I've come to the conclusion that if I was still single, I would not read, watch, or surf this subject. As a 30-something year old woman, it is still a stigma in this country to be single. I know many women, feminists included, might scoff at my last statement but it's true. No matter what we tell ourselves about why we waited or why we still aren't married, the unmarried 30-something year old woman is not looked upon favorably.

In any case, as I was purchasing some materials for my workplace, I stumbled upon a documentary called Always a Bridesmaid. It is a film by Nina Davenport, a young, talented filmmaker making her living as a wedding photographer/videographer at the time. On the threshold of her 30th birthday, she laments (to some extent) about her status with her boyfriend (who incidentally is five years younger than she is)and marriage in general. I absolutely love the almost raw unedited way she does the film including interviewing several "spinsters" as she calls these elderly women who have never married. Frankly, if I was still single with no prospect in sight, I would be thoroughly depressed watching this video. But looking at it from the side of a bride-to-be, it's an interesting statement on the status of marriage and the single woman.

I've never been a typical single woman who casually dated. I dated a little bit but always felt uncomfortable in that situation because I was more comfortable with going out as friends rather than just dating. That formula just worked better for me. I think the whole stigma of being single over 30 isn't as bad as it used to be (thanks to Sex and the City) but as I said previously, people just seem to wonder why you can't find a "nice young man." Though I never gave up hope on finding that one person to spend the rest of my life with, I just decided not think or obsess about it. And, lo and behold, when I stopped looking he found me.

Tuesday, January 04, 2005

Reality Bites, Literally

Last night as I was channel surfing, I came upon a new reality-based television show which brought a woman who was adopted as an infant face-to-face with several men, one of which is her biological father. The tasteless twist to the show was that she had to guess which person it was and if she successfully did that, she would not only meet the man who gave her up but also gain $100,000. If she didn't, I'm guessing she would still find out who this person was but not get the money.

I was quite appalled by this show and emotionally affected. I was adopted as a baby and though I have occasionally thought about the people who gave me up for adoption, I would never go on a show like that. Of course I realize it was this woman's choice to be on the show but the lengths these television networks will go to for ratings and entertainment just makes me sick. I can only imagine what people from other countries think when they watch American television; we exploit people for our own entertainment. I know I am being harsh and, in reality, this woman chose to be on the show. But it still makes me sick that something so personal would be used for ratings. Kudos to the television station in Raleigh-Durham, NC for refusing to air that episode.

In reference to being adopted, I have often been asked by people that I have told I am adopted is if I ever wanted to find my birth parents. My answer to that is I've never felt an overwhelming need to find them. I know some general information about them but I don't have the desire or the need at this point in my life to find them; I have my parents. My life is complete as far as I am concerned. We all do things in life because of our circumstances and I don't fault my birth parents for giving me up. But I'm really thankful that I had two wonderful people who wanted me, loved me and gave me a good upbringing. That's all for now.

Monday, January 03, 2005

Chicken or Fish?

We're at 165 days and counting toward the big day. After next week, we should have a lot of the other major wedding things taken care of. For example, we are looking at the site where we will have both the wedding and reception, and doing a tasting. We were going to have 3 choices that guests can choose from for a meal but decided to nix one of them since it'll just make things too complicated. So it'll be chicken or fish. Oh, but we are showering guests with some delectable sushi and appetizers so that they don't starve before hand. We'll also have our contract with our photographer, a cake, and perhaps some flowers selected. Not sure if I'm missing anything else. I still don't know what to do about hair and make-up but I'll figure something out.

Sunday, January 02, 2005

Still Learning

We all want to feel needed. There's been a few times in the last few days that I felt rejected. I'm sure I was feeling overly sensitive as I tend to feel sometimes. I'm not sure if that time of the month was affecting me but I'm sure it had a lot to do with how I was feeling. Seems lately my emotions have been on a rollercoaster for no particular reason. I'm glad whatever was bugging me has passed.

Admittedly I have a very difficult time talking about certain things. I worry that these things may be trivial and really a waste of time. I know I shouldn't feel that way but I've always been the kind of person who will talk about the things that are really worth talking about. Sometimes you can get away with not talking; I know this is not right. None of this has to do with trust but rather a learned response. Whenever my parents were upset about something, namely with each other, they didn't seem to talk about it. There was a uncomfortable silence throughout the house. It was more cultural than anything else not to talk about feelings or to confront the other person. Eventually it would all pass but I hated it.

What I learned in my limited experience with relationships is that I always wanted to be very expressive with my feelings, good or bad. And I've been very good about it. But there are times when I just refuse to talk about how I am feeling and I don't like the uncomfortable feeling that comes with it. At least I know this and I can work on it. The good thing is that I want to work at it and I'm okay with myself. The better thing is that I have an understanding fiance who seems to be okay with it too, at least for now.

Saturday, January 01, 2005

A New Year

I can't believe another year has passed. Where did the months and days go? Oh, yes, I spent those days and months falling in love. And this year I am getting married!

In addition, I will be moving to a new home and starting a new stage in my life. That in itself is so exciting and scary at the same time. I've lived here for a rather long time and actually a lot longer that I intended to. It's comfortable. But I'm ready to move. It's good to move out of your comfort zone once in awhile. Change is good and there are a lot of good changes in the horizon.

Welcome 2005!