Thursday, March 31, 2005

Running On Empty

I can't do everything by myself. I just can't. Between work, the wedding, the move, and the everything else, I am quite tapped out on motivation.

My Fault

I feel like everything is my fault right now and I don't know what to do to make it better.

Monday, March 28, 2005

Unearthing the Past and Finding Yourself

After a weekend of avoiding the one thing I really need to do, I decided to do a bit tonight. Yes, I started to pack another box. This time I packed some blankets and some bags and purses. I also started to go through some stuff that I put in a bag to give to my friend who is having a garage sale this coming weekend. It's funny what you find when you start going through your stuff. I found an old journal that I had started in 1999 but never got really far. That's usually the case with me and written journals. I'd like to be better at keeping one but I'm not. In truth, I write more personal things about my life and my feelings in those pages than I will ever write here. I need to start doing that again only because I realize after re-reading the one I started in 1999 what a catharsis it truly was.

Most of what I wrote in that 1999 period is about a short time in my life where I had begun working at the job I have presently and about a couple of people I went out with. I think 1999 was a time when I was looking for someone to fill a void in my life. It almost sounds like I was desperate but I think it was more about being a human being and finding a companion. No, not in the physical sense but in the mental sense. I've always been the kind of person that rather connect with someone up in the noggin first and foremost. Yes, I am the kind of girl who would like to be friends first. I don't necessarily think it ruins what could be but rather makes what could be even better. Hopefully the man I'm marrying can attest to that (wink, wink).

All I'll say about what I wrote in my journal back in 1999 was an interesting experience. It was not to be and, for that, I am glad. It wasn't time to have that void in my life filled. Instead, it happened one night in the late fall approximately four years later when I thought I could live with that void.

As the months have slowly turned to weeks and now to days before I leave this life behind for a new one, I feel very scared. Maybe scared isn't the word but rather alone. None of what I am going to is mine. It's hard to explain right now but I feel like the outsider. Some decisions get made without me or with the understanding that I'm part of those decisions without so much a simple question of asking if I want to do something. I think I finally realize what it means to lose your identity when you become a couple or when you get married. I guess for me identity isn't so much about introducing me as part of a "Mr. and Mrs." but just the sheer fact that some things become understood. Perhaps that's where identity is lost more for me because some decisions aren't decisions anymore. They just are. I'm sure I will find my place soon enough in this new life. I always have and I always will.

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

The Traveling Man

The fiance is out of town this week in Huntsville, AL of all places. Actually nothing is really different when it comes to our relationship when he's out of town other than we have limited opportunities to talk to each other. Though this time he is in a time zone only two, yes TWO, hours away from me rather than the three hours he normally is. The hour makes a bit of a difference I think. Three hours just seems like a long time period between he and I. For example, when it's only 1 p.m. here, it's already 4 p.m. where he's at. I'm only beginning my afternoon and he's getting ready for the evening.

I'm not sure how things will be when we cohabitate and he goes away for business. I'm sure it'll be fun when he returns from his trip. Right now, there is no fun except he's glad to be home and in his own bed. Thankfully, at the moment, he has no other trips planned. Of course that could change at any time.

When you're single, traveling seems rather appealing, I think, because you don't have any relationship responsibilities. I'm not implying that this gives you carte blanche to do whatever you like. Rather you can just leave at a moments notice and not worry about anyone else. I suppose the traveling gets tiring after awhile because you don't have anyone to welcome you home and take care of you. I'm sure the fiance will be glad to have some hugs when he comes home from his trips. Perhaps not only from me in the future.

Sunday, March 13, 2005

The Wedding Hawaiian Quilt

My mom is probably one of the few women in Hawaii that, at one time, still made Hawaiian quilts by hand. She has always made some kind of handiwork whether it was knitting, crocheting, sewing, etc. In fact, she has a natural talent toward those types of crafts. So it made sense that she would want to learn how to Hawaiian quilt. And she learned from a true pure Hawaiian woman: the mother of my uncle's wife. After learning this precious but somewhat lost art (many of the Hawaiian quilts today are made by machine), she proceeded to make pillows and a few blankets. By a few, I mean she only made 3 or 4 blankets because of the sheer size and time it took to make them.

Of the blankets she made, one was for my brother and one was for me; they were to be given to us when we got married. I will soon be getting the quilt she made for me. It's pink, of course, being that I am the girl in the family. The pattern she chose to make my quilt is called "ulu" which is breadfruit in Hawaiian. I am looking forward to receiving this quilt from my mom because it is a part of her that I will always have. The time and effort and love she put into making this beautiful quilt is priceless. I think at one time she never thought she'd be able to give either of her children their quilt (my brother is still unmarried). Though it's been difficult for her at times to accept the turn my life has taken, I feel that she is becoming comfortable with it. The other night she talked about sending us the quilt and we cannot wait to receive it.

I think the funny part about having this quilt is her instructions on keeping it. She does not want us to merely put it into a closet or display it. She does want us to use it but with the rules of not lying on it or letting the cat walk all over it. Yes, we can make sure we don't lie on it but I'm not sure how I'm going to accomplish keeping the cat away. They do have a mind of their own, you know.

Friday, March 11, 2005

And The Beat Goes On

We finally broke the 100 days mark until the wedding. Of course that was a few days ago. Both of us are in awe that the time has passed by so quickly. Big changes are on the horizon for both of us. I think the fiance is taking it much more better than I am. It's not to say I don't look forward it because I really do. It's just a lot to deal with at the moment.

Not much going on with the wedding but we'll soon pick the pace up since we have a bit of business to take care of. Egads, six weeks until the big move across country! If someone told me that I'd be packing up my car and driving across country to a new home, I'd laugh and say, "Yeah, right." Frankly I pictured flying across country to a new city and not having a car to deal with. I wanted to be a city girl that took the train to work and walked everywhere. But that's okay it isn't happening that way. I wouldn't want it any other way.

The weekend is here and I am determined to get some packing done. At least a box or two to send out.... sigh.

Thursday, March 10, 2005

Home Is Where The Heart Is

Maybe surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel all alone
I just wanna go home
Oh I miss you, you know


"Home" by Michael Buble


Home is where he is now. I haven't felt the same since I left the fiance a few days ago. It's really nice to have someone coming home to you or someone to come home to. Only a few more weeks to go and I suspect it will be some long weeks.

Tuesday, March 08, 2005

Back in Town

I'm back from visiting the fiance. A quick trip but well worth the time we got to spend together. His family treked up for about a day to visit with us. I also met his younger and only brother finally. They have a good sibling relationship which I like since my brother and I are not that close.

We (the fiance and I) had a wonderful time together nesting as he puts it. Yes, we're gathering the feathers, the string, and the what not to make a comfortable home together. Well not quite that far since I have yet to send any of my stuff. The next few weeks will be hectic as I try to get this done. We seem to work well together but the time spent together is time spent making up for the weeks we haven't seen each other. Once we get into the normal day-to-day routine, things will, I expect, be normal.

Thursday, March 03, 2005

Domesticity

I'm away visiting the fiance for a few days. It's nice to spend time together when we are apart so much. Unfortunately today he had to work so I am puttering around his apartment. Our apartment. Yes, soon to be mine in a couple of months once I move out here. I'm not sure how I feel about moving in with him. What I mean is that I can't wait to move in with him but I'm not sure if I am going to experience what my co-worker experienced when her husband moved in with her after they married. She said he doesn't feel comfortable because the townhouse she rents is "her" place. She doesn't feel that way but he does or so she says. He has recreated his apartment in one of the spare bedrooms. Very strange. I don't expect the fiance is too tied to keeping this place his. He has said to me several times that this is my home now. Maybe he'll feel differently when my stuff is here. For now, I am enjoying keeping the house. I wonder how long it will take for that to wear off?

Tuesday, March 01, 2005

Being One Doesn't Mean You're Alone

My mom's feelings about my relationship have nothing to do with my fiance. Rather, she is afraid of being alone. But aren't we all? It's not that you want your children to be with you the rest of your life because you want them to have life too. Being alone is scary. At several points in my life, I had to deal with the possibility of being alone for the rest of my life. Sometimes I was okay with it and other times I wasn't. Finally I had to resolve at some point that I would be okay being alone and if I never got married, well, it just wasn't the path my life was going down. I had to accept that and I did. Boy did that path suddenly twist!

I think my mom has done an admirable job dealing with such a sudden change. After all it's not like the fiance and I have a traditional relationship. But what constitutes traditional anymore these days? I think she tried and has accepted it in the best way she can. It'll get better and it already is headed that way. She knows that despite the miles in between us, we will always be there for her any way we can.