Monday, March 28, 2005

Unearthing the Past and Finding Yourself

After a weekend of avoiding the one thing I really need to do, I decided to do a bit tonight. Yes, I started to pack another box. This time I packed some blankets and some bags and purses. I also started to go through some stuff that I put in a bag to give to my friend who is having a garage sale this coming weekend. It's funny what you find when you start going through your stuff. I found an old journal that I had started in 1999 but never got really far. That's usually the case with me and written journals. I'd like to be better at keeping one but I'm not. In truth, I write more personal things about my life and my feelings in those pages than I will ever write here. I need to start doing that again only because I realize after re-reading the one I started in 1999 what a catharsis it truly was.

Most of what I wrote in that 1999 period is about a short time in my life where I had begun working at the job I have presently and about a couple of people I went out with. I think 1999 was a time when I was looking for someone to fill a void in my life. It almost sounds like I was desperate but I think it was more about being a human being and finding a companion. No, not in the physical sense but in the mental sense. I've always been the kind of person that rather connect with someone up in the noggin first and foremost. Yes, I am the kind of girl who would like to be friends first. I don't necessarily think it ruins what could be but rather makes what could be even better. Hopefully the man I'm marrying can attest to that (wink, wink).

All I'll say about what I wrote in my journal back in 1999 was an interesting experience. It was not to be and, for that, I am glad. It wasn't time to have that void in my life filled. Instead, it happened one night in the late fall approximately four years later when I thought I could live with that void.

As the months have slowly turned to weeks and now to days before I leave this life behind for a new one, I feel very scared. Maybe scared isn't the word but rather alone. None of what I am going to is mine. It's hard to explain right now but I feel like the outsider. Some decisions get made without me or with the understanding that I'm part of those decisions without so much a simple question of asking if I want to do something. I think I finally realize what it means to lose your identity when you become a couple or when you get married. I guess for me identity isn't so much about introducing me as part of a "Mr. and Mrs." but just the sheer fact that some things become understood. Perhaps that's where identity is lost more for me because some decisions aren't decisions anymore. They just are. I'm sure I will find my place soon enough in this new life. I always have and I always will.